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Wednesday
8/16/17
 
Maury My Son Married a Cheater... That's Not His Baby! (Repeat, TV-14) A man struggles to have his mother treat his wife with respect and accept his son; man wonders about the paternity of his son and his girlfriend's faithfulness.
How I Met Your Mother The Burning Beekeeper (HD, TV-14) Marshall and Lily decide to throw a highly anticipated housewarming party, but things start to go awry when Ted nearly comes to blows with Marshall's boss.
How I Met Your Mother The Front Porch (HD, TV-14) Ted discovers that Lily not only planted the earring in his bed that led Karen to dump him, but she is responsible for many of his past break-ups as well.
Two and a Half Men My Son's Enormous Head (HD, TV-14) Charlie fights the overwhelming urge to flee when he must care for a sick Chelsea; Jake dates a girl in order to get help with his math homework.
Two and a Half Men The Two Finger Rule (HD, TV-14) Charlie joins the guys in a night of alcohol-fueled sexual reminiscences after Chelsea finds nude pictures of another woman on his phone.
 
Thursday
8/17/17
 
Maury Everyone Gave Up... Can A Psychic Help Me Find My Child? (Repeat, TV-14) A devastated family seeks the help of a psychic with the hopes of solving the murder of a 13 year old girl; Sheryl Underwood from "The Talk" gets a reading.
How I Met Your Mother The Drunk Train (HD, TV-14) For Valentine's Day, Lily and Marshall invite Robin and Kevin on a weekend getaway to Vermont, where Kevin and Robin discuss their relationship.
How I Met Your Mother Old King Clancy (HD, TV-14) After a bank cancels plans to construct the new headquarters building that Ted was hired to design, Barney and Marshall lie to keep him from finding out.
Two and a Half Men Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau (HD, TV-14) Evelyn and Chelsea begin spending time together, making Charlie desperate to find a way to keep them apart; Evelyn out-wits Charlie by paying-off Alan and Jake.
Two and a Half Men Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt (HD, TV-14) Alan and Lyndsey start to feel bored with their love life, so the two make an effort to try and spice things up in the bedroom with new bedroom antics.
 
Friday
8/18/17
 
Maury Did You Cheat on My Mom and Get That Young Girl Pregnant? (Repeat, TV-14) A woman has grown suspicious that her husband of five years has been cheating on her; a woman worries her boyfriend has returned to his old unfaithful ways.
How I Met Your Mother No Pressure (HD, TV-14) Ted decides to confess his feelings to Robin after she ends up breaking up with Kevin; Barney is on a mission to find something private of Marshall and Lily's.
How I Met Your Mother Murtaugh (HD, TV-PG) After learning that Ted has made a list of things he feels the gang is too old to do, Barney sets out to complete them all in one day to prove him wrong.
Two and a Half Men Sir Lancelot's Litter Box (HD, TV-14) Charlie reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in, as he mourns the loss of the bachelor pad; Alan and Jake must become acclimated to a woman in the house.
Two and a Half Men You Do Know What the Lollipop is For (HD, TV-14) Walden meets his friend's attractive daughter and realizes he's not as young as he once was; Jake arrives home from the army to visit his father.
 
Saturday
8/19/17
 
Modern Family Moon Landing (HD, TV-PG) Claire feels inadequate after an old friend visits; Jay has an unsettling moment in the locker room with Cameron; Mitchell helps Gloria with legal issues.
Paid Program (TV-G) Sponsored television programming.
Two and a Half Men Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak (HD, TV-14) Charlie and Rose continue carrying-on their secretive "affair" behind everyone's back; Alan's chiropractic business suddenly turns into a Ponzi scheme.
Paid Program (TV-G) Sponsored television programming.
Two and a Half Men That Darn Priest (HD, TV-14) Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme that he has going; Alan meets Manny, Rose's mannequin "husband"; Charlie is eager to get some alone time with Rose.
Sports Connection
 
Sunday
8/20/17
 
Paid Program (TV-G) Sponsored television programming.
USGA Golf Tournament U.S. Amateur: Championship Match (HD)
Monday
8/21/17
 
Maury Your Son is Covered in Hair... I Can't Be His Father! (Repeat, TV-14) A man believes that the last of his three children isn't his; a woman wants another chance to prove that her ex-boyfriend is the father of her young son.
How I Met Your Mother Best Prom Ever (HD, TV-14) The date of Lily and Marshall's coming wedding ceremony is suddenly moved up, and the gang crashes a high school prom in order to scout a potential band.
How I Met Your Mother Mosbius Designs (HD, TV-PG) An unemployed Ted starts an architecture firm out of his apartment, but the intern he picks up to help starts to get a little too close to some of his friends.
Two and a Half Men Baseball was Better with Steroids (HD, TV-14) Charlie questions his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back; Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan, and Herb rush her to the hospital.
Two and a Half Men 818-JKLPUZO (HD, TV-14) Charlie helps his ex-fiancé with her music career, and wonders if he's with the right girl; Alan presses wary Charlie to allow Melissa to move in.
 
Tuesday
8/22/17
 
Maury After the Threesome... Did My Wife Have Another Man's Baby? (Repeat, TV-14) Samantha wants to keep her family together but is afraid that her boyfriend Marvin has been cheating on her with other women, though he denies the claims.
How I Met Your Mother The Broath (HD, TV-14) The gang tries to split up Barney and Quinn after they hear about plans of them moving in together; Ted and Robin fight over who gets to sublet the apartment.
How I Met Your Mother The Three Days Rule (HD, TV-PG) Ted breaks Barney and Marshall's "three days rule" by having a relationship by phone with a girl he just met; as a result, they pretend to be her to trick him.
Two and a Half Men Give Me Your Thumb (HD, TV-14) Alan suggests that Chelsea should get breast reduction surgery, and Charlie responds by kicking him out of the house; Evelyn allows Alan to move in with her.
Two and a Half Men Untainted by Filth (HD, TV-14) After Charlie and Chelsea set their wedding date, he and Alan go out, only to awaken perplexed as the two of them are in the same bed with a strange woman.
 
 
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Wednesday
8/23/17
 
Maury The DNA Test will Prove I Do Not Have 15 Children! (New, TV-14) A fiancé loses trust in his fiancée after he learns she almost slept with another man; a man believes that his girlfriend has been living a double life.
How I Met Your Mother Trilogy Time (HD, TV-14) Ted, Marshall and Barney embark on another "trilogy time," a tradition in which they get together every three years just to watch the "Star Wars" trilogy.
How I Met Your Mother Right Place Right Time (HD, TV-PG) A chance encounter with an old flame prompts Ted to discuss the importance of being in the right place at the right time; Barney celebrates his 200th conquest.
Two and a Half Men Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. (HD, TV-14) Chelsea invites her gorgeous college roommate to stay at Charlie's after she undergoes a rough breakup, resulting in Charlie secretly hoping for a threesome.
Two and a Half Men Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (HD, TV-14) Charlie is crushed upon learning that he has not been satisfying Chelsea; Alan tries to cure his thinning hair using cheap products.
 
Thursday
8/24/17
 
Maury Are You Sleeping With My Best Friend? Test Them Both! (New, TV-14) A couple's romantic and personal relationship is ruined by issues of infidelity; a man believes that his girlfriend is cheating on him with his best friend.
How I Met Your Mother Now We're Even (HD, TV-14) Barney tries to lure Ted into going out every night; Lily has a naughty dream about someone besides Marshall; Robin finally becomes a famous news anchor.
How I Met Your Mother As Fast as She Can (HD, TV-PG) Ted's ex Stella and her new fiance try to make up for ruining his life, but they only make things worse; Barney tries to charm his way out of a ticket.
Two and a Half Men That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room' (HD, TV-14) When Charlie introduces the thought of a pre-nuptial agreement, he is shocked to discover that Chelsea may have just as much need for one as he does.
Two and a Half Men That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam (HD, TV-PG) The deceptively adorable Rose sets her sights on the naïve Walden, when he foolishly decides to ignore Alan's numerous warning by agreeing to date her.
 
Friday
8/25/17
 
Maury You Slept With All of Our Co-Workers... That's Not My Baby! (Repeat, TV-14) Lauren is upset that her son's father Auston has been denying their child and wants to prove that the child is his; Jasmine claims that Ali got her pregnant.
How I Met Your Mother Good Crazy (HD, TV-14) Marshall comes to the realization that the baby is coming soon, and freaks out; Ted and Robin come to terms with their relationship; Barney goes on a road trip.
How I Met Your Mother The Leap (HD, TV-PG) Ted reconsiders his career as he pulls an all-nighter for his fledgling firm, and Marshall tries to lure Ted to the roof for a surprise birthday party.
Two and a Half Men Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (HD, TV-14) Jake attempts to woo his ex-girlfriend by writing her a love song; Alan and Herb try to keep their friendship hidden from Judith, knowing she wouldn't approve.
Two and a Half Men Ferrets, Attack! (HD, TV-14) Walden faces a difficult choice when he must come to terms in deciding whether he's going to start a new relationship with Rose or go back to Zoey.
 
Saturday
8/26/17
 
Sports Connection
BIG3 Basketball Las Vegas (HD) Players battle it out in three-on-three, half-court basketball games with a shot clock shortened to 14 seconds, 30-point halves, and a four-point shot.
Mayweather vs. McGregor: Prefight Show (HD) The Floyd Mayweather (49-0-0, 26 KOs) vs. Conor McGregor (debut) bout at T-Mobile Arena is previewed, including analysis of how McGregor will fare as a boxer.
 
Sunday
8/27/17
 
NFL Preseason Football Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Redskins from FedEx Field (HD, TV-PG)
Monday
8/28/17
 
Maury (TV-14) A cheeringly compassionate journalist helps bring families and friends together to learn how to set aside their differences to work towards a common goal.
How I Met Your Mother The Yips (HD, TV-14) With many beautiful models surrounding him, Barney searches for his lost "mojo" while in attendance at the Victoria's Secret Fall Fashion Show after-party.
How I Met Your Mother Definitions (HD, TV-PG) Upon hearing that Barney and Robin are hesitant to define their relationship, Lily forces them to face their fears; Ted prepares to teach his first lecture.
Two and a Half Men (HD, TV-PG) A well-to-do bachelor with a never-ending stream of girlfriends agrees to share his beachside home with his divorced, uptight brother.
Two and a Half Men (HD, TV-PG) A well-to-do bachelor with a never-ending stream of girlfriends agrees to share his beachside home with his divorced, uptight brother.
 
Tuesday
8/29/17
 
Maury (TV-14) A cheeringly compassionate journalist helps bring families and friends together to learn how to set aside their differences to work towards a common goal.
How I Met Your Mother Karma (HD, TV-14) Barney tries to persuade Quinn to date him even after learning that she is a stripper; Marshall and Lily introduce Robin to life in the suburbs.
How I Met Your Mother Double Date (HD, TV-14) While on a blind date, Ted realizes that he has dated the woman before, and seven years later they still have nothing in common; Barney takes Marshall out.
Two and a Half Men (HD, TV-PG) A well-to-do bachelor with a never-ending stream of girlfriends agrees to share his beachside home with his divorced, uptight brother.
Two and a Half Men (HD, TV-PG) A well-to-do bachelor with a never-ending stream of girlfriends agrees to share his beachside home with his divorced, uptight brother.
 
 
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